Awake.

It's just now rounding 5am. I've been up since three with a growling stomach and an itchy nose. I have dental work at 9, and I'm not allowed to eat because they are knocking me out, and I suppose food interferes with my unconsciousness.  Naturally, I'm starving, and the only thing I can think about is how my stomach is growling and I wish I could sleep. Sometimes (like now) I just have to give up on sleep and enjoy a quiet morning alone. 

I don't make time for quiet time anymore. I used to have quiet time almost every day, parked at a dead end street to watch the sun go down, listed to crickets and cicadas, and slap at the mosquitos that tried to eat me alive.  I call it my "alone time", but it was more like "alone with Him" time.  Since getting married, life has just taken over. My mind is a "pay the bills, put away the too-high piles of laundry, finally clean that sticky spilled root beer out of the bottom of the fridge, sort photos, deliver disks, get my 30 minutes of exercise, do I really need that cookie" mess.  I get so consumed with the daily grind that I forget why I do it all. I get so caught up in just getting things done that I don't even pause long enough to enjoy any of it. 

I think God decided I needed time with Him instead of my bed this morning.  I finally dragged my butt out of bed and planted it on the couch under my quilt.  I looked for the remote for a few minutes, planning on watching shake weight infomercials, but it was nowhere to be found, and for that I am now grateful.  The only thing I hear right now is the sound of jeans in the dryer (which probably wont get put up for at least two days), the ticking clock on the wall, and the hum of my refrigerator, which desperately needs to be purged of it's two-week-old pot roast leftovers, and that dang can of root beer that left a sticky mess that I have yet to clean.  But I can take care of that later.

So now, I just sit. 

I love sitting in quiet.  And I love leaving the doors and windows open in the evening.  Lately, I have been opening my patio door wide when I crawl in bed at night so I can smell the air and just listen.  Sure, I hear cars drive by, kids whining, and car alarms honking, (ah, the joys of apartment living), but I hear other things too.  I hear the wind blowing through the pine tree outside my window (wind through pine needles has a sound all of it's own).  I hear the critters finally making their little noises as they come out of their winter hiding.

I remember when I was a kid, I hated going to bed before the sun went down.  But there were those occasions where the sun stayed up way past my bed time, and I (like tonight) had to fight to fall asleep.  I would open my bedroom window that faced the street and watch for my mom to come home from her evening walk with her best friend.  I would listen to the crickets in the bushes outside my window, watch the neighbors water their lawns, and soak in the smell of the damp earth that resulted.  It is just as soothing now as it was back then. 

God has been calling me to stop and be still lately.  I know I need more time with Him.  I need more time to enjoy the things He has given me instead of worrying about them.  I talk to Him, and I listen to Him.  I enjoy the things He has given me.  I thank Him, and cry to Him and always manage to be selfish and ask Him for something more.  I have such a gracious God.  Such a patient God.  Sometimes I feel so "grown-up", but most of the time I still feel like that kid with my nose pressed to the window screen.  I'm just soaking it all up and enjoying the air. 

Spring is near, and it's definitely going to be a season for all that is new.

Another Loss

My heart is aching. I lost both of my grandparents in less than a month. As much as I rejoice that they are together again, and starting their beautiful eternity with their Lord, I can't help but be selfish and want them both back here with me.  Those two were the cornerstone of our family.  If everyone got together, it was at their house. Every Thanksgiving was spent with them, no questions asked.  Those two were so important to this community.  They were both involved with the Boy Scouts and the Gem and Mineral Society.  Those two were a wealth of knowledge, and full of crap at the same time :) I've never seen two people love each other and their family so much either.  Even through so many people divorcing, I could see that it was possible to stay in love with someone for a lifetime. 

I was at the point last night that every time my phone rang, I would cringe, and every time the name "Dad" popped up, I held my breath. Last night when he called, it was the news I'd been waiting for and dreading. My big strong, hard headed, tough skinned Papa had passed.  Thankfully, I was surrounded by people I love, and people that he loved. 

I didn't fall asleep until about 5:00 this morning. I did the same exact thing I did after my Meme died. I re-played everything that has happened in the past few weeks, days, and especially hours.  And the dreams I have been having are keeping me up as well.  I can't even remember them. They are just so realistic and random, and I can't make out what is real or a dream anymore.  I hate that I have absolutley no motivation to get any work done.  I sit at my laptop and just stare at photoshop, then close it again. 

Little art projects have been my escape lately.  I made a few bibs to give to my "little brother" and his wife for their baby shower. Then I tried my hand at making felt flowers. I have an idea of what I would like to do with them, but knowing me and my track record, I'll probably make half that I need, then move on to something else.

I just hope I can perk up this week, get back in the swing of things, and move on with life.  Because that's what death is...a part of life.

Inspiration

I'm finding that I'm spending entirely too much time on the internet.  I've paid attention lately, and a great chunk of my time is spent looking at other people's photos. Especially other photographer's photos.  Now, that's not nescisarilly a bad thing, unless you, like me, are a photographer who is striving to carve out my own niche in this industry and continually trying to develop my own style.

We all draw inspiration from each other. That's just what we do! Some people are upset by it and accuse others of being big fat copy cats.  It's hard to know where that fine line is between flat out copying, and drawing inspiration (which, by the way, I had to learn the HARD way).  About a year ago, I had a client that liked something a photographer did, so I recreated it for her, and I got all kinds of crazy negative feed back from all kinds of people!  These kinds of things have been part of my learning this business.  I definitely learned from that mistake, and I wont let it happen again!  Especially now.  I've decided to completely STOP viewing other photographer's blogs, dA pages, facebook fan pages, personal facebook pages, etc., and turn to my Lord for my inspiration and ideas.  After all, I do this to glorify Him!  I haven't spent enough alone time with my Father, and I need that to change.  I am ashamed to admit it, but I can not remember the last time I cracked open my bible.  I can't tell you the last time I went to my favorite spot to watch a sunset and pray.  I'm so caught up in my little internet world that I forget about that big huge world out there! I wish I could say I could take a total internet hiatus, but that would likely be the demise of my entire business! I do 95% of my work through my computer and through the internet. It's a fabulous tool, but that's all it should be...a tool. 

So, it's going to be hard not to blog stalk, but I think I can do it!

Love, Loss, and Family

I don't know how many of you really know what has been happening with me in my personal life over the past couple of months and weeks. All of this mess started in October when my grandpa slipped and fell while he was doing some restoration work on an historic house here in Midland. He thought something in his bowels had ruptured, so my dad took him to the emergency room. The doctors discovered that he had a large tumor in his colon. On October 15 (which also happened to be my grandmother's 79th birthday) he had surgery to remove the tumor. After his surgery the doctor came out and told us the tumor they removed was about the size of a coke can, and the cancer had spread to his liver. The doctor also told us the cancer was inoperable because it was already so large. Needless to say, we were all stunned. We had to accept the fact that this would be what took my sweet grandpa from this world. It was a hard thing to handle and process, but we did it.

Then, in late November, my grandmother became sick. The doctors found that she had a deep vein thrombosis (blood clots in her legs) which had ultimately caused a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in her lungs). Our biggest worry was that one of those clots would go to her brain and cause a stroke. She was quickly put on blood thinners, and they did their job! She was moved to a rehabilitation center to get her strength back up so she could go home. But a few days after Christmas, she was sent back to the hospital with pneumonia. The dr's had a tough time treating her, and she eventually began having seizures which were likely cause by strokes.

Me and my cousin Christy spent the next couple of days sitting by her bed, hoping for a coherent response for her, but mentally, she was already gone. We tried to get her to eat, but she wouldn't, or couldn't. Every once in a while she would talk about "bears in the creek" and she cracked us up by yelling something about "hell fire!". I did manage to get a couple of smiles out of her, which are forever going to be a huge comfort to me. On some level, I think she knew we were there with her. She was finally moved to hospice on Saturday the 15th. Her nurse was so wonderful to us. By the time we got her moved, me, my cousin and my aunt were the only three with her. All of the men had a really difficult time watching her, so they stayed with my grandfather.

We left her in her room, comfortable and finally sleeping (thanks to some much needed morphine), and went home for the night. The next morning, Sunday the 16th, I went to visit my grandpa with Christy. After we wore him out we headed to the hospital to visit Meme. As soon as I stepped out of the elevator and saw her door, I knew something was wrong. The door was wide open, but the lights were off. When I walked in, I saw her nurse with the stethoscope to Meme's chest. I think I caught her off guard because she had a difficult time talking to me. I kept staring at my Meme, and I knew right away that she was gone. All of the shaking and labored breathing was gone. She was so still, and so quiet. The nurse told me "I am so sorry Mari, but I am going to have to pronounce her now."

Christy was just a few minutes behind me, and came bouncing into the room when I was just sitting next to my Meme, telling my sister over the phone that she was gone. I think we were all a little stunned that she went so quickly. Not ten minutes before I got there, my aunt had come by and Meme was still with us. I felt so guilty for not being with her when she passed, but my dad made a good point. She was such a private person, and she waited to be alone.

I remember thinking, when we were watching her slip away that it's ironic that it's always the women in the hospital rooms. I've spent countless hours, sitting in hospital rooms waiting for new life to come into this world. It was very surreal doing the same thing as a precious life left this world.

And now, we're playing another waiting game. We just found out that my grandpa's cancer has spread to his bones. We have all been prepared for this, but honestly we thought he had more time. He is now going to have radiation on the tumors on his spine, not to try to get rid of the cancer, but to try to reduce the size of those tumors to relieve some of his pain.

I figured he wouldn't be far behind my Meme. These two have been married 61 years (62 this June). I don't know if I can say I have ever seen two people so in love and so devoted to each other. It's not an in your face kind of love. It never has been. But when I watched the two of them interact with each other, it was obvious. That kind of love can't be broken by death. It's such a strong bond, that I have always had faith it would keep them together.

So please, please be patient with me. I will do my very best to keep up with my work, but I will, in a heartbeat, drop everything to be with my family.

June 2: The day my Meme and Papa got married :)